Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Randomize