I CAN MOONWALK!
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
