Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
