Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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