So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
