Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
