I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
