Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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