I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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