I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Randomize
