I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
