Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
