I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
They are going to name an STD after you.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
