sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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