Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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