Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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