My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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