I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
