guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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