I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
love makes seman taste better
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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