i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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