if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
