The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
