hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
