Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
