Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
