sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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