he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
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