I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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