Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
