this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Randomize
