Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
