i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
