i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
