i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
