i think my mom watched the whole time
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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