Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Randomize
