it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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