your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
