i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
