its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
