I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
