dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
