My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
