my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
