so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
