I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Naked. naked and bneed help.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Randomize
