Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
