i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
