There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
