dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
