Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
