I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
