oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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