So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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