I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
