if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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